Parashat Chayei Sarah

WHO do you want to be when you grow up? 

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” “An astronaut!” “A doctor!” “The president!” “A Hershey’s quality control taste-tester!” No matter what answer you get, this question leads children to think about their future in terms of a career instead of the life that they want to lead. In his book, Ten Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children, Shmuley Boteach outlines a path to raising kids based on values. While I admit that I have forgotten nine of the conversations, there is one that made an indelible mark on me, and which seems to be derived straight from Chayei Sarah.  

Abraham and Sarah are promised a nation from their son Isaac, who is still single when Sarah passes away at the beginning of this week’s parashah. After purchasing a burial plot for the family, Abraham sends his servant back to his ancestral homeland to find a wife for Isaac. There are no other instructions given for how to choose a mate. However, Abraham’s servant comes up with a criterion that ends up becoming a foundational element of Judaism. In a story that is repeated three times in short succession, the servant determines that chesed — acts of loving kindness — will be the primary feature that he looks for in the woman who will become the second Jewish matriarch. In addition to giving him water to drink when he asks, she must on her own decide to take it a step further and give water to the livestock with which he traveled. Rebecca does exactly that. And when he goes home to her family, the servant makes sure to retell the story, again emphasizing this chesed. We never find out what Rebecca looks like. We do not learn about her ambitions. Yet we find out that she is exactly the type of person we would want to influence our children.  

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel famously commented, “When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.” Shmuley Boteach moves that idea in a practical direction. He recommends skipping the conversation about what kids want to do when they grow up, and replace it with the question, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” There are many paths that lead to a successful career, but our priority should be to help direct our children toward a path of being a successful Jew. By asking kids to think about “who” they want to be, our focus becomes character development. In the process, we are hopefully challenging them to think about how to reach the goal of being a person known for their chesed. “I want to be someone kind.” “I want to be someone who people feel that they can count on.” “I want to be a good person.”

This week, as we hope to be influenced by Rebecca’s example, take a few minutes while sitting around the table to ask your kids who they want to be when they grow up. And then follow up with a plan to make it happen!

Shabbat Shalom!